Posted by iwanttodothat on September 23, 2011
Hey, friends! Long time, no see.
I have fallen and am having a terrible time getting back up. I’ve gained almost all of my weight back. Disappointing, I know. I’m incredibly pissed off at myself and am feeling like I can’t get my mojo back.
A few updates…
The challenge my friends and I did in January turned out to be an awesome experience! I personally swam over 12 miles that month! What have I done since then? Absolutely nothing.
Cut to the present… I’m back up to 3xx lbs (don’t make me say it) and one of my fitness buddies asked me to swim on her triathlon relay team. She will bike 10 miles, and another friend will run 3 miles. I will be swimming .33 miles in the open water at Ft. DeSoto. This is one month from now. What was I thinking? I should be swimming 4x/week, hardcore, to meet this challenge. So, I will be posting my swimming log here for a little bit of accountability. It would be great if I shed 20 pounds this month, too, but I’m just going to go for the swimming bit right now. My goal here is to finish the swim, alive.
That’s all there is to report at this time. I’m trying to get back in there. I just feel so damaged by some negativity that occurred during the last go around, that the little voice inside my head that whispers “you can’t do that” gained some ground. It’s incredibly frustrating. I can do any damn thing I want to do. I don’t know why it always has to be about competition with me, but it does. I was raised to be competitive. I was also raised hearing a little voice that said “you can do better” or “you’re not good enough.” I’ve been torn with this conflict as long as I can remember. Why don’t I feel like I deserve the absolute best? What is it that makes me not finish things? Why can I start like a rockstar and turn into an also-ran?
Dear God, help me accept the people I cannot change. Help me finish what I start. Forgive me for being a huge pain in the ass, a liar, a manipulator, and a procrastinator. Thank you for your mercy and grace, even when I am too self-involved to see it and accept it. I will try harder in the future to understand this. I will stop apologizing for myself and take responsibility for everything I say and do. I can get through anything with You beside me. Help me finish strong. Amen.